mixed feelings

Sometimes life and all it can be is just to much to hold...
sometimes i wish it can all just get to a point were there is no more turning back...
Sometimes i wish there was a way out of this hell..
Even though i believe with heart and soul i deserve this...sometimes i wish it was different...
easier...less lonely...more human...less painfull...more joy....
But we all have wishes...dont we...

Cant wait to leave this shitty place.... Soon Soon nights of darkness will be over...Lonely desperate days will be a memory...somewhere in between i need to pick the pieces up thats scattered all around me...impossible mission...!

Regret

...the heaviness within...
the burning...somewhere deep beneath...
it comes without warning, a tear...then two...then three...
the mind, wanting to forget
fights against the body that won’t allow.
unbearable sadness descends upon my being.

blink back the tears, take a breath...please not now...not again...
...its there...burning...
this heavy burden within...

the mind wants to forget,
but the body remembers;
...the body knows,
this body that carried life within...

Lord, why must i bear this?

They come once again
Crushing memories and unbearable pain
Enveloped by darkness' cloud
This burden heavy upon me
Guilt and shame wrap me in it's shroud.

That day...
forever etched into my soul
Before the mind's eye, images unfold.

the mind...
it prays to die.
God, if you’ve mercy, let me die.

all alone in the hour of most need
i have no recourse but to save myself,
tethered by fears that hold me captive...
imprisoned...

cold sterile room...clock ticking, echoing doom...

torturous pain beyond what I thought possible...
overcome...shock...confusion...
the body succumbs to the tools of death...
...this cowardice act...i am weak...this is not who i am...
tugging, tearing, searing agony...and that sound...
...that horrible sound...
the cold hiss of Satan's breath...

The mind disengages, snaps
No longer one with the body...
The body...now nothing more than a tomb...
Empty...devoid...a shell...
Bleeding for the life once held within its womb...

The present ceases to exist
A moment suspended in time
The mind refusing to remember...

Slowly awareness returns...
Body and mind one again...
Awakening to reality...

A child...my child...is DEAD...
Lie back to stop my spinning head...
A vow is made, not a tear will be shed...
I cannot forget, no matter how hard I've tried,
The cold, unforgiving fact cannot be denied.
A part of me... my child... died.

Crushed soul,
Broken heart,
Shattered life.

I see what was once my child's body...
...now torn apart...

How can I carry on
with this memory of what I've done?

Bundle them up.
Tie with a bow.
Shove them down deep.
Where they'll never show.

Keep them hidden
in the darkest place...
a place known only to me.
I'll never tell another soul.
This secret is mine to keep...

the heart never forgets
nor the body...nor the mind...
...the soul never recovers...

The tears escape,

“Forgive me.”

Granpa

Tomorrow..
Another day that wont come for you..
Today..
A day without you here..
I miss your smile,
Your joy,
Your hope,
And even your cheese jokes..
One of a kind you truly still are..
I pray at night so you can guide my life..
You where more then just a grandfather,
You where the only true father i honestly knew..
The pranks we did..
The games we played..
I'll forever cherish them..
I'll pass them along to my children,
And their children..
And when i speak of you I'll speak highly..
For you are great and magnificent..
No one could take your place..
Your the best man i ever knew..
Now heaven is your new home.