Layers

After trauma you realize that the deeper the layer of silence is,  the bigger the lie and silence becomes the most difficult task on earth...

If only the lies that fall from your tongue would be ablaze like searing red coals, as they rolled from your lips smoldering into the depths of your heart, bursting into a rampant inferno sucking every ounce of oxygen from your being to feed its own existence, ensuring disintegration of everything in its path, leaving your remains a pile of ash and charred bones,

I’d take the biggest breath I had and blow..

Sometimes there are no words

Silence has a more than one layer and when life starts treating us unfair you might shift from layer 1 to layer 21...

It’s something you take out from it’s resting place, inside of your ear

You expose it for all it is, and analyze what went wrong

We’re all fools and liars Thieves for pain Masters of self-torment

And all that once glittered when you were young Seems to die away

It’s a fear, to never be whole again to never find your answers in

The words you were left with...you crumble it up , the truth and you pretend it’s a person that you can kill, you pretend it never existed but remember how it was lying in the spaces between the silences every time...

What’s the use of having any sort of nature ,if not to be restored to something great. I am not great I am a girl, Small and unmeasured

Unimportant, and sometimes my self-worth Feels like it’s on a scale

Always competing against some darker nature, I call it out in all sorts of ways, and most times, it kneels before me grinning If only to tell me

That I knew all along; and I was just lying to myself.

He’s been right every time and I never listened, I never listen

But he was right and I was naïve, bold and stupid...

It was effortless to fight a ghost, To fight the light that never comes on

And I should have walked away should have, could have, would have

So now I just want to lay here and write, to find some sort of peace

Like my truths will come out in paper, I can’t even write a proper paragraph, without messing up proportion. And music gets to me too much.

Tears and blood on paper wouldn’t make a good collage for a quiet journal that I don’t use often.  And all the lullabies are just nightmares that we don’t wake from.  We’ve got so many girls half sick, half awake, in and out of love falling over themselves over someone’s words ,over someone’s thoughts and memories, people that don’t deserve it

We’ve got, men who could care less, or men that don’t try hard enough we’ve got sperm donors, and toaster ovens for a sub-life treasured and abandoned. We’re not even people I think, sometimes we’re Things and Places but we’re never an organic structure by ourselves we’ve lowered our worth and become a series of thought processes and physical preparation and somewhere, when we grow up, we go wrong...

Suddenly, you can’t put a band-aid over it you can only let it bleed...

Hope this is it

The more things change, the more they stay the same.' I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare, or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

   I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still...it feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected...who knows what other pain might be out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

  So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.
   When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close, which, thank God, they never do.
   But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again

trapped

From the beginning I have been aware of how trapped we are in our own experiences, with only the crudest methods of sharing that experience with other human beings.  I have longed to know how my experience compares with those of others.  I some nights wonder around looking at the lights inside other peoples houses and wonder what it would be like to be them.  In daily life we have few chances to get to even the shallowest of understandings what other people experience.

Its only through literature that I have been able to get a sense of what life for someone else might be like... because when I write, I am that someone else.  Just another face in the crowd.

I have always assumed that there are others in this world with similar desires.  People who need to know that they are not alone in their desires, in their dreams, in their response to life.  To help those like me who need this reassurance and are curious about the internal state of others. I have tried to be an open book towards you, even on a trivial level.  I felt it was my duty to tell you what I really think about things.  Practical consideration dictate that I try and temper these revelations to suite the audience. . . but I learned that truth can be a brutal thing and I do think it has to be revealed with discretion.

In time I have tried to imitate what others have done to me by writing down a bit of what passes through my head.  I don't have the time, imagination, discipline to do long form literature like this...

poems are more condensed and you can hold the entire work in your mind at once.  I have written poems to you that have radically altered how I felt about things.  To me poems could be about simple things , scraps of everyday experience , or your inner soul written in simple straight forward language and still be powerful and trans formative.   My poems come when they come, but my spoken words don't. I think my writing somehow connects the dots for me.  Much of my initial writing is subconscious I believe. Sometimes only a line or two present themselves, but when i'm emotionally unstable I can sit and write for hours , writing is my tongue and you don't understand that.

One day I will figure this out... I read and write to try and understand what this thing called life means. I write to add my evidence , my experience to the pool of collective human consciousness. Those who read me one day must make of it what they want...and I wish them all the best of luck in figuring out whats going on,as me,myself and I don't even know myself.

just another day

Its funny how sometimes you can be going along for a few weeks and be doing great then a little thing pulls you back to the darkness. Sometimes people don't realize the effect they have on others, both negative and positive.

I think people need to express themselves better, and their thoughts with and about others to them. Because unfortunately we are not all mind readers and can not know what you think or how you feel unless you say so. I have seen relationships and friendships fall apart a lot the past year from this alone.And often when they do they are left with one member of the relationship dumb founded upon what had gone wrong.

At this point time and space can't be altered and things can not be done differently then they had already been done. We are only able to raise our heads off our soft pillows in the morning and drag ourselves through our days hoping to make better choices from then on...

things change

In life, we learn that ‘things change’ and that it’s unavoidable no matter how much we desire it not to. And as we think about things changing, most of us find ourselves in some state of sadness, because there is always a part of our life that we wished was frozen in time… to forever remain as it is.

I mean, try to remember where you were one year ago from this moment that you are reading these very words. Maybe you were at school. Or maybe at work? Or even at a friend’s house, on vacation, or maybe out of pure coincidence you were in the very same spot that you are in right now.

And now think about how much your world has changed from then till now. I’m sure you could not of anticipated it. I’m sure the amount of what has changed even has shocked you. How in one year, your world could be completely different from what it once was.

People who once were in your life somehow manage to walk out of it as new one walked in to it. Even those important people who were the biggest part of life only left behind memories and casually come back into it to drop by and say “hi”. We realize as much as we care and love someone, sometimes we have to say “goodbye” to take different paths and to follow our dreams. And in this new path, you will meet new people who become your best friends and your reason to live.

The beliefs that once was instilled in us has gotten replaced by new ones. That each day, let alone one year, we experienced something new and learnt from them. Sometimes our beliefs are broken by depressing experiences, and sometimes it gotten stronger because life dictated it to be so. Maybe we believe in something completely new that we never even thought about before.

And sometimes, even who we love changes. Sometimes the people who we were completely head over heels for, somehow managed leave, leaving you heart broken and losing faith in love all together. You may even be surprised how the person you loved so much managed to pull a disappearance act that would make the greatest magicians proud. And sometimes, the unexpected will happen as someone who randomly walks into your life, or even someone who you’ve know for so long, becomes the person your heart longs and beats for.

And then look at yourself. Look at how much you have changed, not only by appearance and style, but as a person. That you manage to have grown so much that the person you remember one year ago is only a memory like everything else. That as your friends, family, beliefs, loves, and life changed, time managed to sneak up behind you and make you into a different person from who you once were as well.

Things change. It’s a part of life just like breathing, eating, and sleeping. And the only thing we can do is enjoy and appreciate all that we have at this moment before it all changes. So years from now when we are looking back at everything and there will be no change left, we can smile that we took time that to make a great memories at every one of life’s twists and ‘changes’ as we grew up

keep believing

There's always a moment in life when you question if things are ever going to get better. 

There's always that night when you just want to fall asleep as quick as you can because your dreams are better than your reality. 

And it's okay to have felt that way. We're humans and we're not perfect. Even when life looks really bright from this side, it's dark and dull from that other side. 

It's not perspective. It's a cycle and if you're not in the "happiness" part of life, then it's not your turn yet. But you don't have to stop believing because the cycle will never stop. One day, it WILL be your turn. 

Keep believing

Silence has no sound

We come into this world in silence, for 10sec you are quiet and then suddenly a scream escape from your mouth and you break the silence of your own new world...

I met her standing by the river, where tiny leaves were made to quiver

by the gently stroking breeze. She was gentle, yet forceful, She was grave, yet beautiful, In her eyes I found a long lost friend, Snatched away from me by a friend. I suddenly seemed to have stumbled in a new world, that exists in pauses That is present between words.

I asked her where she came from ,why was she not often in sight?

She took out a piece of paper in it she did write -

“Wherever words end their loud whisper where noises seem to cease

Wherever there is no sound of the echo, you will find me.”

We met very often, Became great friends, I did not know what her name was, so I called her-

                          SILENCE.