didnt wanna let you go

I didn't want to let go
My love for you will always flow
In my heart,you'll never fade
I wish you could've stayed

The love you showed me in the past
it's what's makin my life last
You always taught me the best
And nothin less

Even though im still holdin on
Im tryin to be strong
You were bound to leave,I knew for awhile
When I think of times together,Im left with a smile

Sayin goodbye was easier said than done
But I find comfort knowin your with the father & the son
YOu may not be with me
But im glad to know that you are free

I carry you in my heart Granpa
I close my eyes to see you when my world gets dark
People asked me how I was and I said I was fine
But only if they knew what was goin through my mind

I didn't want to believe it was true
I didn't want go the rest of my life without you

insomnia

Tossing and turning
Just wracking my head.
Nothing I can do,
Maybe I'm just a fool.
Thinking all these thoughts,
Thoughts about you.
Maybe I'm crazy,
Maybe I'm just stupid.
Doesn't really matter,
All that matters is you're gone.
Can't fall asleep,
Not without you.
Tossing and turning
Alone in my bed.
Nothing I can do,
Not without you.

Then why?

Why do I still try though my efforts translucent into nothing?
Why do I care when no one believes I really do?
Why do I still make an effort when no one makes an effort to know me?
Is this my life?
If this is a fight then the going gets tough...
The going gets fucked up; torn into pieces, and recreated into some shit no ones capable of surviving.

If this is my life
If this is my destiny
Then why try; why face disappointment?
Can I look fate in the eye and say, fuck you?
Am I aloud to say hell to it; hell to it all?
The world gets turned upside out everyday; my life is falling with it

My blade

This is my escape
the sharp side of this blade
the cold shiver down my spine
knowing this blade is mine all mine

no one can give me the pleasure it does
you can smother me with kisses and embrace me with hugs
but when i go back to that sweet sweet pain
it's the only moment in life when i truely feel sane

When the blood drips down my wrist
theres no greater feeling then this
as my problems wash away
and my life can go on another day

I cant make you understand why i do it
you'd just scream and shout, make me feel like shit
so instead i'll go away
to a place i can stay
and calmly surrender
to my blade

its why i cut

It's how I adapt, it's how I survive
Without it I would not be alive
It's how I get high,
It's how I live and die
It's how I remember
It's how I forget
It's my only forever
It's my only regret
It's how I feel my pain
It's how I keep from going insane
It's how I fight this life I live
Even when I have no more to give

watch me

Watch me, watch me while I smile.
Don’t look at my skin, painted with red gashes.
It’s not worth the breath I’d be wasting, don’t ask.
This is me.
In all my glory.
Stained blood red and wet with tears.
This is what you made, a mask on sanity.
But I’m not well.

just to bleed

These are the moments you never want to live for
When you wonder why you are still here
and why you haven't taken the easy way out
Nothing seems to be going right for you and
all you want to do is scream and cry out
and when you do there is no sound
because your cries are silent
no one can hear you and no one can save you
so you just drift off, away from reality into a dream
but then you feel like you can't take it anymore
and you wonder why you haven't taken the easy way out
everything is getting worse for you
and now all you want is to feel the warmth
of a loving body next to yours
warmth to replace the coldness you've been stuck in
but nothing is that easy and there is no one to hold
so you grab something sharp and you place it in your hand
its so beautiful and you sit and admire it in all its beauty
because it has a purpose, its your form of release
as you start to carve into your flesh
you feel the indescribable rush of the feelings you vaguely remember
and you for a moment forget about how much it hurts
and how much you are suffering
because all you see is the beautiful crimson
beading up on your skin and this is all you need for now
just a sense of being alive
But then things get out of your control
and you are considering the easy way out
you try to remember what it is that helped you last time
but you can't get past the overwhelming thoughts that clog your memory
and then you glance over and you see the blade across the room
suddenly its in your hand and you know what to do
as you puncture through your skin you
remember how intoxicating it felt to see the beaded blood
but this time you need a stronger fix
so you go deeper and deeper
you create a masterpiece all over your body
This is all you want for now
just to bleed.

Human Experience

My emotions,
Scare even me,
I am frightened by what is to come.
They keep bottled up,
The tiniest slice of aggravation,
Is enough to set off an explosion,
But yet,
Even when I reap myself from inside,
I find myself with a smile,
Laying on the thinnest of my layers.
But even so as it cracks,
The more the disgustingly disfigured heart if mine erupts for the last time.
For as long as I am helpless,
In stone my heart remains,
Dormant,
Showing refusal to even the slightest beat of life.
Without my outer shell,
I am but a crab that has long outgrown his home.
It is not until I continue on my quest to create a new self,
Than I can return to be who I was.
Is this not,
The human experience?

fallen

It started out with one,
Which soon lead to more.
A war has just begun.
With a heart so worn,
She could care less,
About the cuts
That leave a mess.
It's pain she trusts,
Cause it's always there,
It's always near.

Another Failure

It's been forever since I did it
Cut open my soft skin
You won't notice it
I did it softly
I stare
The bloodless cut on my finger
You torment me so
All I wanted was relief
No mater how brief
Causing me to cross the line
I let myself down
I promised I wouldn't do it
But I have fell
Fell to its temptation
The knife slowly grazed my skin
I had failed yet again.

High

The needle tip
penetrates
the skin ...

Eyes become
sunken in
like urine
holes in the snow.

Body fat
fading,
skeleton on show.

While you
lay that troubled
head back and roll ...

into oblivion...

Dreams

I used to dream about who I was meant to be
But it was all just a dream, not my reality
With no one to turn to, cause they couldn’t relate
I gave up on my dream and claimed it as fate
But the sadness grew deeper, burrowed itself into my soul
Playing tricks with my emotions, it started taking its toll
I tried to act happy but they knew I was lying
Cause when they looked in my eyes, they could see I was crying
Screaming and shouting, “Please let me out!”
For who I became, I knew nothing about
Ashamed and embarrassed, that was my me
It was never the person I dreamt I would be
The light in the tunnel grew seemingly dark
I wanted to move forward, but was stuck in park
The best years of my life were thrown to the side
Cause instead of choosing to fight, I decided to hide
But there came a point, it went on for to long
No more self pity, I had to get strong
Then came a voice inside of my head
“Breakthrough and live, cause inside your dead”
It was at that point I knew what I had to do
To free myself from hurting, and unto my self be true

Withdrawl

It really fucking sucks
It hurts so much
It's like this black poison
That lives in your brain
And spreads like wildfire
Your body is under attack
At first, you don't notice
Then it begins tapping
Repetitiously in your head
At first you ignore it
And comfort yourself with thoughts
Of your next fix
But then it escalates
Vicious pounding and stabbing
Your eyes begin to throb
Every little movement
Sets off painful fireworks
Your muscles weaken
Your chest begs you to breathe
But you just barely can
Your neck begins to stiffen
Weary, achy tears flood your eyes
Even the tears take effort
Effort which, you just cannot make
So a single drop runs down your cheek
Your muscles are killing you
Food is less than attractive right now
Desperate for relief, you'll take anything
Laying down, system full of cold medicine
You feel yourself drifting, slowly away
Not knowing if you'll ever wake up
Don't let me come back like this...

A view from the bottom begins in degrees...At first you sink only as far as your knees.
Your morale center cracks along with your beliefs and soon you'll do anything to get some relief

whats left...

At least it's some security,
but it won't let me be free.

One pinpoint that makes a whole,
and the other two to gaze vertically at the horizon.
I'm so down, so distant from a soul,
feeling all I can of what's left in this hole.

Living Hell

Aching, contorting muscles of my thighs.
Stabbing, twisting crush of my spine.
Jerking spasms pulling me deeper into the cold,
Dismal dark.

...of my addiction.

Alone in my miserable place.
Alone in my self hate.
Label me a waste.

...of my addiction.

Wet sheets and nightmares.
Cold spells and Hot hell.
No cure for the disease.

...of my addiction

My heart races wild with anxiety.
Finding no escape from the torment inside my head.
Panic of past sins come rushing back,
To lock me in.
Reminding me of my fear.
Draining me of my sanity.

I cry out for mercy, beg if I must.
Offer my soul, but it's long ago left.
I'll do what I must...

The strength of my addiction.

Sometimes I hold my breath to remind myself what alive feels like...

other people's dreams

The world around you gets extremely quiet when you are completely lost in your own layers of silence...walls were being built around my dreams, and I held the heaviest hammer.  there was something so nostalgic in the thought of losing and quitting, giving up and letting it all fall away, dismissing it as simply, not my forte. Failure was inevitable, however silence was much more paralyzing than even trying.

So I sat and I wept, about not being good enough for anyone or anything and then it occurred to me...

This is what happens when you have to dream other people's dreams…

Control

There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite and moldering...It's the way we're built I suppose. A natural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below. Forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it wherever we can. As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad.

It's amazing how far we'll go just to maintain some measure of control. The world spins a circle within a circle and we grip so tight it makes our knuckles white. When all we really want to do is let go, lose control, fall, see where we land.