So i decided tonight to leave all the poems and bullshit and just write about my life...00h51 and im sitting with my earphones in and just thinking about my life...
lets begin with dad,hes my whole life, lately i have been thinking how my reaction would be if he isnt part of my life anymore, im trying to imagine what life would be like without him, and my conclusion is never good, everytime he greets me the past week, i try to remember his last words, when we say goodbye, this intense fear inside of me grows, and im scared beyond reason, that i might not see him again. 2 days ago when i arrived home, i walked in with one hell of an opinion about the way he does things, i said things that i regret today, things that wasnt fair, i worked myself up all the way to the free state, just to explode on him when i arrived...and his only words were..: "i cant believe you said the things you just did" and he walked away. i sometimes wish i could take my words back (like in this case) but then other days i feel, its so rare that i actually speak my mind, that sometimes exploding feels justifying. i did apologies though...i still love him to bits!!!
Mom...so my father told me today that i sound just like my mother, lol i kinda thought that was funny! he said the reason we argue so often, is because we are alike...dont know if i agree on that one. She works hard, waaaaaaay to hard, she never takes time for herself, its always work or kids, they say thats normal for a mother, but hell i cant imagine myself doing that! Maybe im still selfish in my ways. Despite our huge arguments, i still love her, i have never known someone that would give her everything for her kids, like my mom does, she live for her kids and i dont say thank you enough...(mental note: say thanks to mom)
Parents are at a year end function tonight, which leaves me and my little brother alone at home.
When i say "little" brother, i mean 21 year old brother, but to me he will always stay the little one....the special place he has in my heart is beyond words. He was there as a small 9 year old , helping me cope. without him ever knowing what i went through, he was there next to me, whenever my faith was shaking, he hugged me, held me and made me held my head high. he always made me feel that the climb was worth it, despite the struggles i faced. i never knew that those were the moments that would stay in my life forever. Dont get me wrong, we fight like crazy but we love each other. Ever since he was small we had a deeper connection, in some ways i felt like "the parent"...he always listened to me , instead of my mother, up till today she would "speak" to him via me. Sometimes i dont see my self-worth when i think of the role i play in his life. i remember when he was in primary school, he saw a psychologist once, and he asked my bro the write something about each one in our family, and next to my name he wrote: "she is my life"...if only he knws what he means to me...its small things, like laying on my bed tonight and chatting to me...about random shit, but i appreciate it. the fact that i could ever love someone this much, blows my mind.
Older Bro is a different story, we fight like hell and the one is to proud to apologize and the other to proud to forgive...i guess al i can do is sometimes just TRY...We had this huge fight about two weeks ago, and he was extremely rude and put the phone down in my ear, before i could respond and i cracked up...two weeks later and i still havent spoken to him, so what does he do? what he always does...: phone my dad and complain about me not responding to his messages and what does dad do?? like always phones me and diplomatically adds in the conversation the fact that i dont respond to his messages...and its always the same story..."he just care about you" , "he isnt a person that apologize", "thats just his way of handling things"...
so infact he can act however the hell he wants to towards me and i always need to accept that?? No way...
He had such a big hold over me as a child, that it angers me to hell and back when he does it now. and hes always the golden boy, the first born, the child they waited for , for 9 years...Just typing about hm makes me angry. And..they wait till im almost home to inform me he is coming home for the weekend as well... so whatever is comfortable for them, despite of how i feel. And thats just wrong in my eyes. Nothing will justify it, yet it happens for the 500th time...should be use to it, but cant.
Sister in Law... I adore her..we were close from the start and still are...we can open up towards one another and give advice...and listen, yet i have to say, i limit my information, as she is married to my older brother...But we still get along very well.
Then theres me...a lost cause in action. i was always high when i felt low, but through out the rehab mess, i had to let go of that part of me...and its hard as hell..i always thought its bullshit when they said in rehab, you must take it day by day...for me its minute for minute...everyday...its praying alot, begging and say thank you after each day...im almost 5 months clean and i have no idea how thats possible, its been the longest in 7 years...right from the start, drugs stole my heart and i was a willing victim, it made parts of me so ugly, but with every touch it fixed me,it fixed parts that i could never speak about...and today i just need a reason, a reason to know its all worth it...feeling this raw open heart beating hurts more than words can describe.
Just a little bit of reason would help a lot. how do i move forward without my crutch? how do i learn to feel pain without a fix? how do i learn to love myself, besides for external factors, i realize more and more each day, that the root of my problem, is me. they way i think and feel about myself.
Then theres still my relationship with this guy...maybe its a delusion ...maybe its not worth breaking my head over,tonight...its an entry for tomorrow
xoxo
