how H made me feel

actually this is an obvious question, but its not what you might think.  i tried many drugs.

Drugs that are "uppers" have the most obvious euphoria.  For example : if you take meth, coke,speed or MDMA, you will get this shining bright euphoria, self confidence, energy and other drug specific feelings.  However, what i realized way too late, is that you owe these drugs back what they deliver to you.  After a meth binge, or lots of MDMA use or staying up all night on coke, you will feel like shit. Similar to an alcoholic hangover.

On the other hand, when i experimented with heroin the first time, i was just underwhelmed.  i just felt good, chill, happy, but i felt like this "spooky" drug Heroin hasn't delivered.  i was just mellow and i thought that it was obviously a lie.  heroin isn't spooky, i thought to myself, its not addictive like everyone else thinks.  it doesn't make you do stupid shit or stay up all night and hallucinate like amphetamines or coke.  it doesn't empty your serotonin like MDMA or give you a hangover like alcohol.  i just thought 'what a nice drug'...

So the next day i woke up and everything was normal, no head ache or shitty feeling, just a slight afterglow of that nice feeling.  oh and it was cheap as well, it only cost $10 for a whole night of being high. i thought people said heroin was expensive?! And then the weekend came and there were all these drugs i could chose from, but i like heroin.  it didn't "fuck me up"...i could still think clearly, no hangover, no feeling like shit later, i still was awake.  it just made me happy and content with life. and its only $10...so i got more for the whole weekend.

Since i had work and responsibilities, i knew i couldn't go into work drunk or on MDMA or high, so i didn't!  its actually simple, i found that on heroin i did my job better, raised the companies sales with 75%, what more could i ask for?
instead of being sad, grumpy or depressed about my job location, i was just happy, mellow,content.  everything was fine and the world was beautiful. it was raining, it was dark and there were dust storms...i would have been miserable in these conditions, i would have wondered how my life took me to Afghanistan, but NO, everything was fine!  the raindrops just fell and in each one i saw the reflection of every persons life around me.  Humanity was beautiful.  I just found love and peace.

Heroin was a wonder drug...Heroin was better than everything else...Heroin made me who i wish i was...Heroin made life worth living...   But i didn't realize... :

Heroin builds up a tolerance fast...heroin starts to cost more money...i need heroin to feel normal...i don't love anymore...now i'm sick...i cant afford the heroin i need...how did $10 use to get me high?...now i need $100...

That guy that let me try a few lines the first time, doesnt actually deal, now i need to find a dealer...The dealer is a felon and carries a gun, he can sell me the drug that lets me find love in the world.  This felon can fix me that one shot that will stop my restless legs and painful joints. The one shot that will let me get out of bed and participate in daily life...just one more...always just one more.

"No this isn't working" i thought to myself, "i need to quit" but i couldn't, "i'll die"

To answer your question, heroin feels nice.  That's all, it just feels very nice.  You can make the rest up for yourself, i attached my own half truths to this drug that showed me the world and for a moment i felt as clever as i always dreamed of being...Until the first morning you cant get out of bed...until the dealer wants your body instead of your money...until the vomit just keeps coming and you see the 1000 pieces of your life lying scattered at your feet...

a day and a half

Sometimes a person get so caught up in your own issues that you don't realize there's a whole world out there with millions of people running at a pace much faster than you, in the big ocean of the human race, you are just another branch to the tree.

Today was a busy day, my first of a temporary job, the day included 4 bus rides, 2 train rides and a 2km walk...i haven't done this much activity in months, or should i say a year...i am exhausted!
But tonight i feel good in a weird way...when i walked the last distance from the bus to the apartment, it was pouring with rain and i walked slow with my earphones in, and I took in every drop that fell on me, i felt alive for the first time in months.

Being able to feel alive is the best feeling in the world, and when its accompanied by good deeds done, its even better. I met a girl today, and she made me realize that i should be thankful for what i have and stop complaining.  With her deformed face, she takes every opportunity and turn it into a happy moment.

Its always strange to meet new people, for many months i secluded myself from the outside world, i focused on all the things i went through and still have to go through, but today i actually didn't think of anything in my own life, i was distracted and for once i focused one those around me, and i enjoyed it.

For once i think that maybe, just maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel...maybe there is a healthier way of living...maybe things will work out for the best.

I dont have all the answers tonight, but for now all i have is Hope...  

Waking Up

It blows my mind how some days i can be so extremely emotional and down and messed up for no reason at all....and then suddenly something good happens and it feels like the universe is actually on my side in a way...

Last night i struggled to sleep, i was so restless and extremely down.  I was worried, because i had a very important interview ahead...and i desperately wanted the job opportunity! But just nothing made sense, my moods were erratic and unexplained.
When i got into bed all i could pray was : "God i dont know whats wrong with me, but please make me fall asleep soon, so that i can feel better"...and i did fall asleep soon...but at 3 am, i was wide awake and my mind just said : read Bible!

But honestly i thought, who reads Bible at 3am???Not me!! i turned around and tried to sleep as i had to be up very early for the interview .  Needless to say i could not fall sleep!!!

So i got up, got my Bible and opened it .... Psalm 121...

It was all that i needed... needless to say, i got the job!

Thank God

xoxo

coping

Sometimes I feel like the loneliness---person in the world and I don’t know why, there’s an ample amount of, people who would rescue me in a minute, it’s just that, people are so distant even when their close you can see it in their eyes you can hear it in their voice, their response to you is coherent at best you don’t really have their full attention--an, the, confusion you’re left with makes it more difficult to deal with so you’re left with you’re consumption of  how to handle it and the task is heavy but steadily you move along with what makes you strong and capable to deal within this journey, you take life’s  almost impossible a couple of knocks along the way but ,what do you do?, do you follow through and leave nothing undone or is it just my illusion…

when i dream

When I dream...

I see my inner self

weak and pathetic as my demons

tear me apart piece by piece

ripping out the stitches

that cover the heart

that I have hidden from everyone

The emotions that I have locked up

Leak onto my face as they taunt me

Bringing my darkest fears to life

When I dream...

I see my inner madness

The bloodlust that shines in my eyes

Seeing that sweet, tantalizing terror

brings the sadistic smile to my lips

The metallic tang of crimson

on my finger tips feed the chaos

inside of me

The monster that is a part of me

When I dream...

I'm drowning in my despair

The cold darkness

slipping over my head

Like the dark abyss

swallowing my scream

as the light at the surface

grows dimmer

my voice swallowed by

the ensuing darkness

and I am alone

with all my fears and self hatred

When I dream...

I see how truly unstable my mind is

How this sweet insanity is engulfing me

Eating away at me

Ripping me apart from the inside

This wall around my heart crumbling

with the facade I try to keep on my face

A mask of practiced lies

The mask that shows I'm a fake

It's bleeding through on the edges

like the stain you can never get rid of

Because it is a part of you

the ugly part of you soul

that never dies until your soul fades

And when you have reached your breaking point

You're tortured by your inner demons

lost to your inner madness

You're drowning forever in your despair

An inward scream echoing like a lullaby

inside your mind

As the world is blind

to the insanity behind your silence

Only you can see it in your eyes

mirrors of the sweet insanity that I see

when I dream.....

Used Goods

I have these million emotions bottled up inside me tonight, it seems like everything is messed up, yet its not. i wish i can take out the trash in my mind and live in the now, i would give anything to be okay, to be the person you are proud of, yet i disappoint you time and time again...

This aching feeling in my core can not be stopped, no matter what i try.  Someone said you have to let God in your life, yet how exactly do you do that? how do you comprehend His love? How does one being accept you completely for who you are, when humans cant do that? how does one being love you more than you could ever love yourself?

If He loved me so much, why cant i feel it? Does He really know what i feel, what i want, what i need?? When i don't even understand myself, how can i make sense to God? He hates sin, yet how can He love the sinner? If humans cant accept your sins, how can an almighty God accept them and forgive them?

If i look at the way humans treat each other, i cant help to wonder, where is God? Were was He when i needed Him? Were was he when i was a child? Why did He make a young girl fall pregnant just to give her baby up for adoption? Why did He create me when i was unwanted by my mother and father? What was the use in that?

Why does he allow abuse? Why wasn't He there when i needed Him the most? Why didn't i feel Him in the hardest moments in my life?

If i ever reach heaven , how will i take responsibility for all the things i have done? How do i explain why i took every pill i took, how do i explain why i cut myself to feel better? how do i explain why i inject to feel release? how do i explain the things i have done in my life to escape?
how do i explain when i don't have all the answers?

Why did He give me the mind that always ask "WHY?"

Can God love used-goods? Can He love lost causes? outcasts?

How much pain do i want to go through, before i allow God to love me? How much longer will i self-destruct....question ill ponder on tonight..

xoxo

nutshell

So i decided tonight to leave all the poems and bullshit and just write about my life...00h51 and im sitting with my earphones in and just thinking about my life...
lets begin with dad,hes my whole life, lately i have been thinking how my reaction would be if he isnt part of my life anymore, im trying to imagine what life would be like without him, and my conclusion is never good, everytime he greets me the past week, i try to remember his last words, when we say goodbye, this intense fear inside of me grows, and im scared beyond reason, that i might not see him again.  2 days ago when i arrived home, i walked in with one hell of an opinion about the way he does things, i said things that i regret today, things that wasnt fair, i worked myself up all the way to the free state, just to explode on him when i arrived...and his only words were..: "i cant believe you said the things you just did" and he walked away. i sometimes wish i could take my words back (like in this case) but then other days i feel, its so rare that i actually speak my mind, that sometimes exploding feels justifying. i did apologies though...i still love him to bits!!!
Mom...so my father told me today that i sound just like my mother, lol i kinda thought that was funny! he said the reason we argue so often, is because we are alike...dont know if i agree on that one.  She works hard, waaaaaaay to hard, she never takes time for herself, its always work or kids, they say thats normal for a mother, but hell i cant imagine myself doing that! Maybe im still selfish in my ways. Despite our huge arguments, i still love her, i have never known someone that would give her everything for her kids, like my mom does, she live for her kids and i dont say thank you enough...(mental note: say thanks to mom)

Parents are at a year end function tonight, which leaves me and my little brother alone at home.

When i say "little" brother, i mean 21 year old brother, but to me he will always stay the little one....the special place he has in my heart is beyond words.  He was there as a small 9 year old , helping me cope.  without him ever knowing what i went through, he was there next to me, whenever my faith was shaking, he hugged me, held me and made me held my head high. he always made me feel that the climb was worth it, despite the struggles i faced. i never knew that those were the moments that would stay in my life forever.  Dont get me wrong, we fight like crazy but we love each other.  Ever since he was small we had a deeper connection, in some ways i felt like "the parent"...he always listened to me , instead of my mother, up till today she would "speak" to him via me.  Sometimes i dont see my self-worth when i think of the role i play in his life.  i remember when he was in primary school, he saw a psychologist once, and he asked my bro the write something about each one in our family, and next to my name he wrote: "she is my life"...if only he knws what he means to me...its small things, like laying on my bed tonight and chatting to me...about random shit, but i appreciate it. the fact that i could ever love someone this much, blows my mind.

Older Bro is a different story, we fight like hell and the one is to proud to apologize and the other to proud to forgive...i guess al i can do is sometimes just TRY...We had this huge fight about two weeks ago, and he was extremely rude and put the phone down in my ear, before i could respond and i cracked up...two weeks later and i still havent spoken to him, so what does he do? what he always does...: phone my dad and complain about me not responding to his messages and what does dad do?? like always phones me and diplomatically adds in the conversation the fact that i dont respond to his messages...and its always the same story..."he just care about you" , "he isnt a person that apologize", "thats just his way of handling things"...
so infact he can act however the hell he wants to towards me and i always need to accept that?? No way...
He had such a big hold over me as a child, that it angers me to hell and back when he does it now. and hes always the golden boy, the first born, the child they waited for , for 9 years...Just typing about hm makes me angry.  And..they wait till im almost home to inform me he is coming home for the weekend as well... so whatever is comfortable for them, despite of how i feel. And thats just wrong in my eyes. Nothing will justify it, yet it happens for the 500th time...should be use to it, but cant.

Sister in Law... I adore her..we were close from the start and still are...we can open up towards one another and give advice...and listen, yet i have to say, i limit my information, as she is married to my older brother...But we still get along very well.

Then theres me...a lost cause in action. i was always high when i felt low, but through out the rehab mess, i had to let go of that part of me...and its hard as hell..i always thought its bullshit when they said in rehab, you must take it day by day...for me its minute for minute...everyday...its praying alot, begging and say thank you after each day...im almost 5 months clean and i have no idea how thats possible, its been the longest in 7 years...right from the start, drugs stole my heart and i was a willing victim, it made parts of me so ugly, but with every touch it fixed me,it fixed parts that i could never speak about...and today i just need a reason, a reason to know its all worth it...feeling this raw open heart beating hurts more than words can describe.
Just a little bit of reason would help a lot. how do i move forward without my crutch? how do i learn to feel pain without a fix? how do i learn to love myself, besides for external factors, i realize more and more each day, that the root of my problem, is me.  they way i think and feel about myself.

Then theres still my relationship with this guy...maybe its a delusion ...maybe its not worth breaking my head over,tonight...its an entry for tomorrow

xoxo

time doesnt heal

What if when I close my eyes, you slowly disappear?
If memories are traitors, how will I keep you near?
What if time's my enemy and it steals my grief away?
So that I hurt a little less, with every passing day.

What if my perceptions, fade with every passing year,
your blue eyes become less vivid, your voice I strain to hear?
What if I start losing you, evanescent with passage of time?
Your jokes I still remember........... now I forget the punch-line.

They say time makes it easier, platitudes to soothe,
Well let me tell you this, its so far from the truth.
If existence is a time-line,running linear and straight,
every year you're further away, I guess that's what I hate

not nearly enough...

I've been trying to write this poem for days,

 I pick up the pen and it just feels

 lifeless ...

 unlike what lives inside my heart;

Just  how does one 

 begin to speak of hurt

 when the tongue is heavy
 with too many words,
yet not nearly enough?

You always have a choice!

There are times in life
When you look back in time
Things that you fear
Still stays the same
Those times, you want to travel
Back in time
To wipe those tears you’ve left behind
Relive the laughs you’ve been a part of
Do those things to change your future
And that’s the time you snap
To realize thats just a fantasy
But never too late to do the right thing
Things that you want to change for tomorrow
Can be done today
And shape your tomorrow the way you want to
Change it for good or worse
The choice is yours
And believe that you always have a choice
A choice to shine in the light
Or be a coal in the dark.

Dont

Don't count on the sunset,
don't rely on the pain,
the sky will always be darkest,
before there comes the rain

Don't count on the sunrise,
don't rely on the dawn,
there will always be someone,
who remains here to mourn

Don't count on the twilight,
don't rely on my love,
you will find better,
in the embraces above

Don't count on forever,
don't rely on today,
tomorrow is coming,
to wash us away...

view from the top

Its weird how perfectly a day can begin and how horrible it can turn for the bad...its funny how you can move outside your body and view your life from the top.. When i look down, i cant help to wonder how i would ever be able to explain the emotions that run through my body...each day a war against emotions. All the ups and downs like title waves uncontrollable , wanting to reach out to people around you but instead you dissociate deep into your own world and sometimes so deep that you are not sure if you will ever find your way back to yourself.

Sometimes i wish i could pick up the key to my locked up heart or maybe i it would be better if the cracks in my heart becomes wider so that it can breath fresh air and get some sunlight. because how do you put a plaster on heart?

Days like today i silently pray that God could hand me an extra tank of oxygen, to be able to breath slowly resulting rational thoughts. Seems like my days lately are filled with a lot of silent prayers, like helpless ecoes, begging for strenght to hold on just one more day...

How do you stand tall if you doubt yourself?  what do you do when it feels like your core is a mess yet you act like a survivor? if i brake down infront of you, will it all be worth it?

so i decide to keep silent instead and linger in my thought till the end

1000 parts

I could live in a thousand places
and live a thousand lives,
but no matter the many faces
I cannot escape the lies

I could breathe the alpine fog,
maybe taste the salty air?
Though wherever I run to
I am left myself to bear.

I have sprinkled secrets like bread crumbs
and left them lie in my wake
as soon as sun's facade slips
I'm vulnerable for memories to take.

They creep just inside the shadow lands.
The cracks in your mask they seek-
waiting withing the darkest hour,
attacking when you are most weak.

I've tried out many costumes
and played a thousand roles.
Nothing seems to ease the pain
in which history takes its toll.

Myself through the glass

As my mind spirals out of control
Taking every poisoned breath inhaled
I can't seem to let go
Thoughts racing through my blood as if this is the ultimate race
No time to stop
No breaks in between
Already broken at the seam
Having no sense of direction
Full of blind expectation
Wanting more but accepting less
My hands are too small to hold
These images my eyes want to unfold
Only tears capable of dripping through
Coloring my heart not red but blue
Blue and frozen from the fear of tomorrow
Hoping that there will be no more sorrow
But my eyes cannot hide
The pain left inside
From yesterday's memory
Leaving me to believe there is more to my story
Because there is...

I am...

I am
as I Live
as I Breathe
I've come to the crossroads within my mind;
Realizing that Today....is the very first time
that I've Lived.
You see,
what I was yesterday
isn't important,
nor
is it any longer of existence.
What I do now
hmmm...
may actually affect my Future,
but even then I'm not Bound by my actions.
What will I do tomorrow?
Haven't a clue,
but I do know one thing...
no one is
"Perfect"
although some may protray to be;
I'm not in denial of being,
who I am;
a
Phenomenal Woman;
full of scars
anger,
false Hope
fake Dreams
teased
doing things too...
Please
Beggin
Mr...with ease!

Basically,
I was foolish
I
was
being driven
by the sins of Man
I
am
Perfectly Imperfect'
but through it all
I realize
that
The Anthology of
True Love
is
Self Preseverance

mixed feelings

Sometimes life and all it can be is just to much to hold...
sometimes i wish it can all just get to a point were there is no more turning back...
Sometimes i wish there was a way out of this hell..
Even though i believe with heart and soul i deserve this...sometimes i wish it was different...
easier...less lonely...more human...less painfull...more joy....
But we all have wishes...dont we...

Cant wait to leave this shitty place.... Soon Soon nights of darkness will be over...Lonely desperate days will be a memory...somewhere in between i need to pick the pieces up thats scattered all around me...impossible mission...!

Regret

...the heaviness within...
the burning...somewhere deep beneath...
it comes without warning, a tear...then two...then three...
the mind, wanting to forget
fights against the body that won’t allow.
unbearable sadness descends upon my being.

blink back the tears, take a breath...please not now...not again...
...its there...burning...
this heavy burden within...

the mind wants to forget,
but the body remembers;
...the body knows,
this body that carried life within...

Lord, why must i bear this?

They come once again
Crushing memories and unbearable pain
Enveloped by darkness' cloud
This burden heavy upon me
Guilt and shame wrap me in it's shroud.

That day...
forever etched into my soul
Before the mind's eye, images unfold.

the mind...
it prays to die.
God, if you’ve mercy, let me die.

all alone in the hour of most need
i have no recourse but to save myself,
tethered by fears that hold me captive...
imprisoned...

cold sterile room...clock ticking, echoing doom...

torturous pain beyond what I thought possible...
overcome...shock...confusion...
the body succumbs to the tools of death...
...this cowardice act...i am weak...this is not who i am...
tugging, tearing, searing agony...and that sound...
...that horrible sound...
the cold hiss of Satan's breath...

The mind disengages, snaps
No longer one with the body...
The body...now nothing more than a tomb...
Empty...devoid...a shell...
Bleeding for the life once held within its womb...

The present ceases to exist
A moment suspended in time
The mind refusing to remember...

Slowly awareness returns...
Body and mind one again...
Awakening to reality...

A child...my child...is DEAD...
Lie back to stop my spinning head...
A vow is made, not a tear will be shed...
I cannot forget, no matter how hard I've tried,
The cold, unforgiving fact cannot be denied.
A part of me... my child... died.

Crushed soul,
Broken heart,
Shattered life.

I see what was once my child's body...
...now torn apart...

How can I carry on
with this memory of what I've done?

Bundle them up.
Tie with a bow.
Shove them down deep.
Where they'll never show.

Keep them hidden
in the darkest place...
a place known only to me.
I'll never tell another soul.
This secret is mine to keep...

the heart never forgets
nor the body...nor the mind...
...the soul never recovers...

The tears escape,

“Forgive me.”

Granpa

Tomorrow..
Another day that wont come for you..
Today..
A day without you here..
I miss your smile,
Your joy,
Your hope,
And even your cheese jokes..
One of a kind you truly still are..
I pray at night so you can guide my life..
You where more then just a grandfather,
You where the only true father i honestly knew..
The pranks we did..
The games we played..
I'll forever cherish them..
I'll pass them along to my children,
And their children..
And when i speak of you I'll speak highly..
For you are great and magnificent..
No one could take your place..
Your the best man i ever knew..
Now heaven is your new home.

didnt wanna let you go

I didn't want to let go
My love for you will always flow
In my heart,you'll never fade
I wish you could've stayed

The love you showed me in the past
it's what's makin my life last
You always taught me the best
And nothin less

Even though im still holdin on
Im tryin to be strong
You were bound to leave,I knew for awhile
When I think of times together,Im left with a smile

Sayin goodbye was easier said than done
But I find comfort knowin your with the father & the son
YOu may not be with me
But im glad to know that you are free

I carry you in my heart Granpa
I close my eyes to see you when my world gets dark
People asked me how I was and I said I was fine
But only if they knew what was goin through my mind

I didn't want to believe it was true
I didn't want go the rest of my life without you

insomnia

Tossing and turning
Just wracking my head.
Nothing I can do,
Maybe I'm just a fool.
Thinking all these thoughts,
Thoughts about you.
Maybe I'm crazy,
Maybe I'm just stupid.
Doesn't really matter,
All that matters is you're gone.
Can't fall asleep,
Not without you.
Tossing and turning
Alone in my bed.
Nothing I can do,
Not without you.

Then why?

Why do I still try though my efforts translucent into nothing?
Why do I care when no one believes I really do?
Why do I still make an effort when no one makes an effort to know me?
Is this my life?
If this is a fight then the going gets tough...
The going gets fucked up; torn into pieces, and recreated into some shit no ones capable of surviving.

If this is my life
If this is my destiny
Then why try; why face disappointment?
Can I look fate in the eye and say, fuck you?
Am I aloud to say hell to it; hell to it all?
The world gets turned upside out everyday; my life is falling with it

My blade

This is my escape
the sharp side of this blade
the cold shiver down my spine
knowing this blade is mine all mine

no one can give me the pleasure it does
you can smother me with kisses and embrace me with hugs
but when i go back to that sweet sweet pain
it's the only moment in life when i truely feel sane

When the blood drips down my wrist
theres no greater feeling then this
as my problems wash away
and my life can go on another day

I cant make you understand why i do it
you'd just scream and shout, make me feel like shit
so instead i'll go away
to a place i can stay
and calmly surrender
to my blade

its why i cut

It's how I adapt, it's how I survive
Without it I would not be alive
It's how I get high,
It's how I live and die
It's how I remember
It's how I forget
It's my only forever
It's my only regret
It's how I feel my pain
It's how I keep from going insane
It's how I fight this life I live
Even when I have no more to give

watch me

Watch me, watch me while I smile.
Don’t look at my skin, painted with red gashes.
It’s not worth the breath I’d be wasting, don’t ask.
This is me.
In all my glory.
Stained blood red and wet with tears.
This is what you made, a mask on sanity.
But I’m not well.

just to bleed

These are the moments you never want to live for
When you wonder why you are still here
and why you haven't taken the easy way out
Nothing seems to be going right for you and
all you want to do is scream and cry out
and when you do there is no sound
because your cries are silent
no one can hear you and no one can save you
so you just drift off, away from reality into a dream
but then you feel like you can't take it anymore
and you wonder why you haven't taken the easy way out
everything is getting worse for you
and now all you want is to feel the warmth
of a loving body next to yours
warmth to replace the coldness you've been stuck in
but nothing is that easy and there is no one to hold
so you grab something sharp and you place it in your hand
its so beautiful and you sit and admire it in all its beauty
because it has a purpose, its your form of release
as you start to carve into your flesh
you feel the indescribable rush of the feelings you vaguely remember
and you for a moment forget about how much it hurts
and how much you are suffering
because all you see is the beautiful crimson
beading up on your skin and this is all you need for now
just a sense of being alive
But then things get out of your control
and you are considering the easy way out
you try to remember what it is that helped you last time
but you can't get past the overwhelming thoughts that clog your memory
and then you glance over and you see the blade across the room
suddenly its in your hand and you know what to do
as you puncture through your skin you
remember how intoxicating it felt to see the beaded blood
but this time you need a stronger fix
so you go deeper and deeper
you create a masterpiece all over your body
This is all you want for now
just to bleed.

Human Experience

My emotions,
Scare even me,
I am frightened by what is to come.
They keep bottled up,
The tiniest slice of aggravation,
Is enough to set off an explosion,
But yet,
Even when I reap myself from inside,
I find myself with a smile,
Laying on the thinnest of my layers.
But even so as it cracks,
The more the disgustingly disfigured heart if mine erupts for the last time.
For as long as I am helpless,
In stone my heart remains,
Dormant,
Showing refusal to even the slightest beat of life.
Without my outer shell,
I am but a crab that has long outgrown his home.
It is not until I continue on my quest to create a new self,
Than I can return to be who I was.
Is this not,
The human experience?

fallen

It started out with one,
Which soon lead to more.
A war has just begun.
With a heart so worn,
She could care less,
About the cuts
That leave a mess.
It's pain she trusts,
Cause it's always there,
It's always near.

Another Failure

It's been forever since I did it
Cut open my soft skin
You won't notice it
I did it softly
I stare
The bloodless cut on my finger
You torment me so
All I wanted was relief
No mater how brief
Causing me to cross the line
I let myself down
I promised I wouldn't do it
But I have fell
Fell to its temptation
The knife slowly grazed my skin
I had failed yet again.

High

The needle tip
penetrates
the skin ...

Eyes become
sunken in
like urine
holes in the snow.

Body fat
fading,
skeleton on show.

While you
lay that troubled
head back and roll ...

into oblivion...

Dreams

I used to dream about who I was meant to be
But it was all just a dream, not my reality
With no one to turn to, cause they couldn’t relate
I gave up on my dream and claimed it as fate
But the sadness grew deeper, burrowed itself into my soul
Playing tricks with my emotions, it started taking its toll
I tried to act happy but they knew I was lying
Cause when they looked in my eyes, they could see I was crying
Screaming and shouting, “Please let me out!”
For who I became, I knew nothing about
Ashamed and embarrassed, that was my me
It was never the person I dreamt I would be
The light in the tunnel grew seemingly dark
I wanted to move forward, but was stuck in park
The best years of my life were thrown to the side
Cause instead of choosing to fight, I decided to hide
But there came a point, it went on for to long
No more self pity, I had to get strong
Then came a voice inside of my head
“Breakthrough and live, cause inside your dead”
It was at that point I knew what I had to do
To free myself from hurting, and unto my self be true

Withdrawl

It really fucking sucks
It hurts so much
It's like this black poison
That lives in your brain
And spreads like wildfire
Your body is under attack
At first, you don't notice
Then it begins tapping
Repetitiously in your head
At first you ignore it
And comfort yourself with thoughts
Of your next fix
But then it escalates
Vicious pounding and stabbing
Your eyes begin to throb
Every little movement
Sets off painful fireworks
Your muscles weaken
Your chest begs you to breathe
But you just barely can
Your neck begins to stiffen
Weary, achy tears flood your eyes
Even the tears take effort
Effort which, you just cannot make
So a single drop runs down your cheek
Your muscles are killing you
Food is less than attractive right now
Desperate for relief, you'll take anything
Laying down, system full of cold medicine
You feel yourself drifting, slowly away
Not knowing if you'll ever wake up
Don't let me come back like this...

A view from the bottom begins in degrees...At first you sink only as far as your knees.
Your morale center cracks along with your beliefs and soon you'll do anything to get some relief

whats left...

At least it's some security,
but it won't let me be free.

One pinpoint that makes a whole,
and the other two to gaze vertically at the horizon.
I'm so down, so distant from a soul,
feeling all I can of what's left in this hole.

Living Hell

Aching, contorting muscles of my thighs.
Stabbing, twisting crush of my spine.
Jerking spasms pulling me deeper into the cold,
Dismal dark.

...of my addiction.

Alone in my miserable place.
Alone in my self hate.
Label me a waste.

...of my addiction.

Wet sheets and nightmares.
Cold spells and Hot hell.
No cure for the disease.

...of my addiction

My heart races wild with anxiety.
Finding no escape from the torment inside my head.
Panic of past sins come rushing back,
To lock me in.
Reminding me of my fear.
Draining me of my sanity.

I cry out for mercy, beg if I must.
Offer my soul, but it's long ago left.
I'll do what I must...

The strength of my addiction.

Sometimes I hold my breath to remind myself what alive feels like...

other people's dreams

The world around you gets extremely quiet when you are completely lost in your own layers of silence...walls were being built around my dreams, and I held the heaviest hammer.  there was something so nostalgic in the thought of losing and quitting, giving up and letting it all fall away, dismissing it as simply, not my forte. Failure was inevitable, however silence was much more paralyzing than even trying.

So I sat and I wept, about not being good enough for anyone or anything and then it occurred to me...

This is what happens when you have to dream other people's dreams…

Control

There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite and moldering...It's the way we're built I suppose. A natural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below. Forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it wherever we can. As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad.

It's amazing how far we'll go just to maintain some measure of control. The world spins a circle within a circle and we grip so tight it makes our knuckles white. When all we really want to do is let go, lose control, fall, see where we land.

Layers

After trauma you realize that the deeper the layer of silence is,  the bigger the lie and silence becomes the most difficult task on earth...

If only the lies that fall from your tongue would be ablaze like searing red coals, as they rolled from your lips smoldering into the depths of your heart, bursting into a rampant inferno sucking every ounce of oxygen from your being to feed its own existence, ensuring disintegration of everything in its path, leaving your remains a pile of ash and charred bones,

I’d take the biggest breath I had and blow..

Sometimes there are no words

Silence has a more than one layer and when life starts treating us unfair you might shift from layer 1 to layer 21...

It’s something you take out from it’s resting place, inside of your ear

You expose it for all it is, and analyze what went wrong

We’re all fools and liars Thieves for pain Masters of self-torment

And all that once glittered when you were young Seems to die away

It’s a fear, to never be whole again to never find your answers in

The words you were left with...you crumble it up , the truth and you pretend it’s a person that you can kill, you pretend it never existed but remember how it was lying in the spaces between the silences every time...

What’s the use of having any sort of nature ,if not to be restored to something great. I am not great I am a girl, Small and unmeasured

Unimportant, and sometimes my self-worth Feels like it’s on a scale

Always competing against some darker nature, I call it out in all sorts of ways, and most times, it kneels before me grinning If only to tell me

That I knew all along; and I was just lying to myself.

He’s been right every time and I never listened, I never listen

But he was right and I was naïve, bold and stupid...

It was effortless to fight a ghost, To fight the light that never comes on

And I should have walked away should have, could have, would have

So now I just want to lay here and write, to find some sort of peace

Like my truths will come out in paper, I can’t even write a proper paragraph, without messing up proportion. And music gets to me too much.

Tears and blood on paper wouldn’t make a good collage for a quiet journal that I don’t use often.  And all the lullabies are just nightmares that we don’t wake from.  We’ve got so many girls half sick, half awake, in and out of love falling over themselves over someone’s words ,over someone’s thoughts and memories, people that don’t deserve it

We’ve got, men who could care less, or men that don’t try hard enough we’ve got sperm donors, and toaster ovens for a sub-life treasured and abandoned. We’re not even people I think, sometimes we’re Things and Places but we’re never an organic structure by ourselves we’ve lowered our worth and become a series of thought processes and physical preparation and somewhere, when we grow up, we go wrong...

Suddenly, you can’t put a band-aid over it you can only let it bleed...

Hope this is it

The more things change, the more they stay the same.' I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare, or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

   I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still...it feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected...who knows what other pain might be out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

  So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.
   When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close, which, thank God, they never do.
   But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again

trapped

From the beginning I have been aware of how trapped we are in our own experiences, with only the crudest methods of sharing that experience with other human beings.  I have longed to know how my experience compares with those of others.  I some nights wonder around looking at the lights inside other peoples houses and wonder what it would be like to be them.  In daily life we have few chances to get to even the shallowest of understandings what other people experience.

Its only through literature that I have been able to get a sense of what life for someone else might be like... because when I write, I am that someone else.  Just another face in the crowd.

I have always assumed that there are others in this world with similar desires.  People who need to know that they are not alone in their desires, in their dreams, in their response to life.  To help those like me who need this reassurance and are curious about the internal state of others. I have tried to be an open book towards you, even on a trivial level.  I felt it was my duty to tell you what I really think about things.  Practical consideration dictate that I try and temper these revelations to suite the audience. . . but I learned that truth can be a brutal thing and I do think it has to be revealed with discretion.

In time I have tried to imitate what others have done to me by writing down a bit of what passes through my head.  I don't have the time, imagination, discipline to do long form literature like this...

poems are more condensed and you can hold the entire work in your mind at once.  I have written poems to you that have radically altered how I felt about things.  To me poems could be about simple things , scraps of everyday experience , or your inner soul written in simple straight forward language and still be powerful and trans formative.   My poems come when they come, but my spoken words don't. I think my writing somehow connects the dots for me.  Much of my initial writing is subconscious I believe. Sometimes only a line or two present themselves, but when i'm emotionally unstable I can sit and write for hours , writing is my tongue and you don't understand that.

One day I will figure this out... I read and write to try and understand what this thing called life means. I write to add my evidence , my experience to the pool of collective human consciousness. Those who read me one day must make of it what they want...and I wish them all the best of luck in figuring out whats going on,as me,myself and I don't even know myself.

just another day

Its funny how sometimes you can be going along for a few weeks and be doing great then a little thing pulls you back to the darkness. Sometimes people don't realize the effect they have on others, both negative and positive.

I think people need to express themselves better, and their thoughts with and about others to them. Because unfortunately we are not all mind readers and can not know what you think or how you feel unless you say so. I have seen relationships and friendships fall apart a lot the past year from this alone.And often when they do they are left with one member of the relationship dumb founded upon what had gone wrong.

At this point time and space can't be altered and things can not be done differently then they had already been done. We are only able to raise our heads off our soft pillows in the morning and drag ourselves through our days hoping to make better choices from then on...

things change

In life, we learn that ‘things change’ and that it’s unavoidable no matter how much we desire it not to. And as we think about things changing, most of us find ourselves in some state of sadness, because there is always a part of our life that we wished was frozen in time… to forever remain as it is.

I mean, try to remember where you were one year ago from this moment that you are reading these very words. Maybe you were at school. Or maybe at work? Or even at a friend’s house, on vacation, or maybe out of pure coincidence you were in the very same spot that you are in right now.

And now think about how much your world has changed from then till now. I’m sure you could not of anticipated it. I’m sure the amount of what has changed even has shocked you. How in one year, your world could be completely different from what it once was.

People who once were in your life somehow manage to walk out of it as new one walked in to it. Even those important people who were the biggest part of life only left behind memories and casually come back into it to drop by and say “hi”. We realize as much as we care and love someone, sometimes we have to say “goodbye” to take different paths and to follow our dreams. And in this new path, you will meet new people who become your best friends and your reason to live.

The beliefs that once was instilled in us has gotten replaced by new ones. That each day, let alone one year, we experienced something new and learnt from them. Sometimes our beliefs are broken by depressing experiences, and sometimes it gotten stronger because life dictated it to be so. Maybe we believe in something completely new that we never even thought about before.

And sometimes, even who we love changes. Sometimes the people who we were completely head over heels for, somehow managed leave, leaving you heart broken and losing faith in love all together. You may even be surprised how the person you loved so much managed to pull a disappearance act that would make the greatest magicians proud. And sometimes, the unexpected will happen as someone who randomly walks into your life, or even someone who you’ve know for so long, becomes the person your heart longs and beats for.

And then look at yourself. Look at how much you have changed, not only by appearance and style, but as a person. That you manage to have grown so much that the person you remember one year ago is only a memory like everything else. That as your friends, family, beliefs, loves, and life changed, time managed to sneak up behind you and make you into a different person from who you once were as well.

Things change. It’s a part of life just like breathing, eating, and sleeping. And the only thing we can do is enjoy and appreciate all that we have at this moment before it all changes. So years from now when we are looking back at everything and there will be no change left, we can smile that we took time that to make a great memories at every one of life’s twists and ‘changes’ as we grew up

keep believing

There's always a moment in life when you question if things are ever going to get better. 

There's always that night when you just want to fall asleep as quick as you can because your dreams are better than your reality. 

And it's okay to have felt that way. We're humans and we're not perfect. Even when life looks really bright from this side, it's dark and dull from that other side. 

It's not perspective. It's a cycle and if you're not in the "happiness" part of life, then it's not your turn yet. But you don't have to stop believing because the cycle will never stop. One day, it WILL be your turn. 

Keep believing

Silence has no sound

We come into this world in silence, for 10sec you are quiet and then suddenly a scream escape from your mouth and you break the silence of your own new world...

I met her standing by the river, where tiny leaves were made to quiver

by the gently stroking breeze. She was gentle, yet forceful, She was grave, yet beautiful, In her eyes I found a long lost friend, Snatched away from me by a friend. I suddenly seemed to have stumbled in a new world, that exists in pauses That is present between words.

I asked her where she came from ,why was she not often in sight?

She took out a piece of paper in it she did write -

“Wherever words end their loud whisper where noises seem to cease

Wherever there is no sound of the echo, you will find me.”

We met very often, Became great friends, I did not know what her name was, so I called her-

                          SILENCE.